Saturday, March 25, 2006

Stepping In It

And "it" refers to a big, fat, steaming pile of bull****!

Apparently, author Robert Alter has decided to prostrate himself at the Altar of Oprah and vy for the millions upon millions of dollars to be made by telling women they are perfect and telling men that all the problems in the world are their fault.

At least he doesn't try to cover it up as some insightful study, as the title of this cow pattie is: Its (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them.

Not surprisingly, a book like this is slated to sell gazillions as women who are unhappy with their crappy lives look for someone else with a crappy life to blame for their misery. Because of the untold oodles of cash that will be making it into the coffers of the part-of-the-problem publishers, the Today Show's book report & excerpt library gives us some tantilizing quotes about how to hate your life.

"Part of me loves and respects men so desperately, and part of me thinks they are so embarrassingly incompetent at life and in love."
"Let’s face it, we men don’t know squat about relationships. We don’t really do relationships. We do work, we do sports, we do cars, we do wars, and we do sex (which is what often passes for relationship with some of us), but we don’t really do relationships."
"I’m a guy. I don’t know squat about relationships. If you want to know the truth, I’m scared to death of relationships, the reason being that there’s a secret little part of me that so needs a relationship, that’s so dependent on a relationship — with a woman, with this woman who I married — that if I ever admitted it, especially to myself, the sheer power this woman has over me, I’m a goner."

This sounds, to me, like a speech the losing team's coach gives in the locker room before a game. This is like a anti-pep talk for the spineless.

Mr. Alter, I don't know what men you are hanging out with, or what men you talk to, or even what kind of man you are, but I gotta tell you, dude, stop hanging out with men who have no common sense, no spines and no manners. Tell your desperate houswife readers to ditch their losers and find some real men to get hitched to. Barring that, tell 'em to grow a little self sufficiency and make some friends.

Just an FYI, most of the fellas I know are pretty self-actualized in what they do, and when confident, mature women get married to confident, mature men - you don't too many problems. Yeah, there are some growing pains as confident, mature people butt heads over their way of doing things, but all in all it works out.

Women, I'll save you $30 and the pain and suffering that comes from living in an illusion and I'll do it for free.

To these 'fed up' women who married the men described in this book: you knew he acted that way when you married your loser boyfriend. Don't date losers. You knew he acted that way when you decided to become the wife of a mama's boy. Don't date mama's boys. You knew he was broke, and you wanted to fix him, now you learn that's how the factory made him in the first place. Shoulda kept your damn reciept. Every single one of you 'fed up' women is married to a man who ain't your first choice. Shouldn'ta drove off the good man you did have cause he did one little thing wrong.

Moral of the story: find yourself a real man who's confident and mature and knows how to act. It ain't that hard, I know plenty of 'em. Stop expecting the real men to come to you, most of the real men have real jobs, real friends, and real hobbies - these real men are lookin for real women with real jobs, real friends, and real hobbies and they ain't impressed that your only talent is hangin' at the bar lookin' cute. That will get his attention, but you gonna have to work to keep his attention once you got it, 'cause, unlike Mr. Alter says, he don't need you and your drama in his life. Why? Because he's already got his business handled, he's already got his needs satisfied. You are a luxury item until you prove otherwise when you are dealing with a real man, no matter what a buch of spineless milquetoast pundits say on Oprah because they have a publishing deal.

Have fun with your loserman, honey.

Now, get in the kitchen and fix him some pie before goin' out and spending his hard earned money buying a book that's gonna tell you a bunch of stuff about how badly he sucks.


ruby booth said...

"don't date losers"
all the dating advice either gender really needs.
thanks, pat.

GP said...

"Its (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them." This sounds like some kind of SNL or MAD TV parody of Oprah.

Thanks to Oprah, I have a litmus test for girls I meet. I ask them what their favorite books are. If their answer contains anything from Oprah's book club, then they are usually shallow women unable to think for themselves. This saves me a lot of time and money as I can quickly weed out the losers. Thanks, Oprah

Patrick Armstrong said...

Well, to be honest, I was a little too harsh on Ms. Oprah. To be fair and balanced, Oprah does a lot of good for folks in the world, and I don't want to disparage her for that. This partikkular book appeared on the Today's show. I probably should have made that more clear but I was a little steamed.

But having watched the morning talk shows and book clubs (I had strep earlier in the year), and having seen some of the 'help yourself - blame others' books that have come out of those formats, I just lumped them all together.

Thus, the audience became the Altar of Oprah, so named because she is the queen of daytime TV.


petallic said...

Two women I respect tremendously fall into this category of women who married fixer-uppers in the late 70's and found that the men did not mature with age as they themselves did. They are now in the middle of bitter divorces after ten years of sleeping apart in order to preserve the appearance of marriage for their children.

It would be so easy for me to look at them and think, "You were an idiot to marry him in the first place. He's horrible." But I can't sit in judgment of decisions they made twenty years ago. Every man has flaws; every woman has flaws. We think we can live with them, but time shows us otherwise. This is one of the many reasons I'm not married, to be sure. But this is the tragic flaw of women though, eh? We're so feckin' hopeful. We believe in our men, and we expect our partners to try as hard as we do. Unfortunately, this is too often not the case.

Patrick Armstrong said...

Well, you can sit in judgement, you just choose not to.

I, on the other hand, can make fun of authors trying to make few million off a proven demographic by writing tried and true falsehoods.

I can also poke fun at that proven demographic for buying the nonsense and perpetuating a world of make believe.

I don't look down on people who try and fail, accept defeat and move on, learning from their mistakes and becoming better people. That's the type of thing we need to encourage more of.

I do, however, look down on people who think the best way to deal with a bad situation is to dodge responsiblity and ignore reality. That's a thing I don't like to see encouraged.

Anonymous said...

If you're such a real man, are you dating anyone???????

Patrick Armstrong said...

As a matter of fact, I'm on my way to a date right now.