Thursday, April 27, 2006

Face the Music

Some of y'all might have missed it (I did), but Blender put out a Top 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music. (Hat tip to MSNBC's Clicked for this link.) I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.

(Long read, work suitable.)

My Top 8 & Kind of a Spoiler (- but you got to go see the photos...& #1.)

50. St. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band: Has any record's influence upon music proved so malignant? Concept albums, progressive rock, Brian Wilson's nervous breakdown, baby boomers yammering away about the Summer of Love, musicians taking themselves more seriously than cancer surgeons -- all the Beatles' fault.

42. Scott Stapp

38. AIDS: Although it was responsible for many deaths (Freddie Mercury and Eazy-E among them) and inspired one of the most insipid hits of the past three decades ('That's What Friends Are For'), the most significant musical damage done by the AIDS virus came with the subsequent demonization of sex and drugs, two ingredients without which rock & roll becomes practically pointless -- if not impossible.

30. Braided goatees.

21. Nearly Every Hip Hop Video: We get it. Your ride is pimped, your crib is a castle and at the drop of an ice-encrusted hat, you can have tons of scantily clad ho's pouring bottles of Cristal down your gullet while you kick it in the hot tub. Congratulations to a generation of hip-hop video directors for making decadence seem so … boring.

14. Florida

11. "You Really Have to See Them Live": First heard muttered by a proselytizing GRATEFUL DEAD fan sometime around minute 13 of the studio version of 'Terrapin Station, Pt. 1,' this reflexive, defensive cry has long been used as an excuse for the existence of reams of irretrievably dull PHISH, WIDESPREAD PANIC and MOE. records. If your studio albums feel limp compared with your live show, don't put them out.

7. Finding God: Silly rock stars -- you're supposed to be the ones being slavishly worshipped!


petallic said...

Not a bad list, but I'll take Amy Ray over t.A.T.u. anyday. Talk about fake lesbians. Letting Eurotrash boys watch two hot girls kiss does not equal music or talent. It's just capitalist exploitation of lesbianism.

Patrick Armstrong said...

Keep on rockin' in the free world...

Dante said...

I'd put Sgt. Pepper as one of the best things to happen to music. Sure we had to deal with progressive rock and concept albums for a while but if got rid of Brian Wilson, it can't be anything but good. Too bad Sgt. Pepper couldn't have been some big British double-decker bus that struck down the entire Wilson family. We had to deal with the rest of them well into the 90's after Brian's little breakdown.

I thought that Van Halen's plight didn't deserve 3 entries (and the whole thing was summed up in the changing singers entry anyways).

Buzzzbee said...

Two things:

1. You can't besmirch an entire state because of a few lame bands. I mean, the same Florida town that spawned Limp Bizkit also created Lynyrd Skynyrd. Besides, Limp Bizkit wasn't all bad, they just got significantly worse with every album they made. 'Three dollar bill Ya'll' was great. 'Significant Other' was not as good, but still pretty damn good. 'Chocolate Starfish' was OK. I don't know what they were thinking with that hiphop remix album but from there on out everything else sucked.

2. You can't bash the guys responsible for the commercial success of modern black music. There would be no Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Tupak, or any other Rap Superstars had there not been White suburban youth chomping at the bit to buy their albums.

S.A.W.B. said...

my own top 8 -

44- Rock Poets Memo to aspiring rock stars: Lyrics do not constitute poetry. Neither do pedestrian observations your lifecoach thinks are profound. And despite what Jim Morrison seemed to believe, disturbed Freudian ramblings you howl while waving your dick around onstage are also, alas, not poetry. Please "cc" Jewel, Billy Corgan and Jeff Tweedy on this memo.

40 - Parrotheads - not for the reasons put forth in the article, but because these people are the most annoying people on the planet.

38 - Sting - go back to The Police.

22 - Rock Lists - go look up Rolling Stone's 100 most influential guitarists list sometime...

20 - synth drums

14 - Florida - Worst. State. EVAR.

6 - Madonna's British Accent

1 - I'm going to personally stab in the eye, every one of those kids in the pictures.

nikka said...

I'm never going to be able to look at the state of Florida again without thinking of how much it looks like a handgun.