Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Retort

Note, this is a retort to a post by SAWB in which he refrenced a 2004 post by John Ross and Michael Hendrix. The parts refrenced below come straight from the Michael Hendrix portion of the rant. To answer Mr. Hendrix's question: What are you liberals going to do about the [2004] election? Well, Mr. Hendrix, I decided, after the last election, to get involved. Seriously involved. I figured the Democratic Party and the American Left had lost their way, in many of the funny ways you described, and could perhaps use a few Democrats from the 'Party Wing' to show up. So, get used to having 'bloody nose' liberals like me around (as opposed to the weak bleeding hearts you've been having your jollies with for the last 12 years). You may not feel what we are in 06, maybe not in 08. But don't worry, we'll be along d'rectly. Please see below, as I have straight up mad libbed your rant. Everywhere I have changed something, I have done so in bold.

Well, let’s try this, then. Let’s stipulate for the sake of argument that everything the Right claims to fear about the Democrats and Liberals and mainstream media in America is true.

Yep, that’s right, you morally uptight puritans, we’re coming for you. It’s only a matter of time now until you hear that late-night knock on the door you’ve been dreading all along. The ACLU is going to be working overtime rounding up every white, rich, Christian and SUV-driving subject of our communist regime, and we’re going to be mulching every last one of you into compost that we’ll then force Detroit to use as fuel for our pansy little hybrids. We’ll be mulching that compost on collectivist communes, and those communes will be devoid of any sort of man-woman marriage whatsoever, because we want to rip away all vestiges of tradition, morality and religion.

We’ll be eliminating money, and reverting to a barter system, and taxing every transaction 3 times what it is worth so as to kill off all innovation and forward moving economy. We’ll cram the drum-circles (which will be more numerous than ever) with all the newly legalized, non-pharmecutical drugs, and we’re going to wipe our asses with copies of the Constitution, but only after making sure every copy is made from acid-free, biodegradeable hemp-paper, after which we’ll mulch the soiled pages into the environmentally friendly compost you have become. Cindy Sheehan will be scolding everyone for that, too; we’ll call it "compost reeducation" and force you to listen over and over again about how bad your ancestors were to other people, as you wait in line to be thrown into the giant solar and wind powered meat grinders.

We’re going to subjugate the entire world through inefficient nanny state rules, handholding and guilt - endless guilt. We’ll be sending our doped, mindless stinking hippies to the remotest corners of the Earth to deny freedom to every little American backed banana republic dictatorship currently enjoying an tentative, foundering existence on the payroll of Halliburton, every tin-pot corporate slave client government who has thus far lived relatively free of the sting of international law. You and your ilk are no longer going to get rich from it, and we’re going to take all of that money and give it to starving people in Africa who have no idea what money is. They will still starve, but by-goddess our point will have been proven that money is really useless (unless you are a Kennedy or live in Hollywood).

Yep, it’s all true, every bit of it; the sensitivity training centers, which we terrorist sympathizers like to refer to as Canada, France and Hollywood, have been under construction since early 1916 (The Year of the Glorious Red Revolution) and are almost ready to open for business (you didn't expect us to be efficient, did you?). The liberal mainstream media has known all along, and have been helping us cover it all up and help sow the seeds of irrationality and moral decay, and now it’s too late; there’s nothing you can do to stop us. You all are going to be fed into the solar and wind powered mulching machines by the millions, and we’re going to make you part of the environment (so you know what it feels like when the little bunnies get hurt) and paint all the leftover nukes with pretty flowers on the sides - they won't be dangerous anymore, cause we wouldn't know how to work them anyway, and it’s all going to be done because we hate Jesus and Christmas and the Pledge of Allegiance and the American Flag (and really, truly, secretly - ourselves), and those are the only reasons we’re ever going to need. Because hey, we’re crrraaazzyy!!

Michael Moore? Deified soon, at our hands, as reward for daring to dissent. Karen Finley? Ditto. Hillary Clinton? She’ll be henceforth known as Your Exhultant Highness, Goddyss-Empryss of Humynity on Tyrra (the feminine name we will use to replace "Earth" as the name for our planet).

We’ll be giving all governmental power to the UN HQ in New York, of course. Then we’ll be giving up our Security Council seat, entrusting all future world security matters to France. The world’s oil, of course, is fine right where it is unexplored and untouched and un-moved to places where its spillage may affect any wildlife of any kind. The only stem cell research will be conducted involving the cells of aborted fetuses, which we will use your tax dollars to pay the pregnant, unwed mothers to have. There’ll be universal holistic health care, negating the need for medical doctors, so you can stop complaining about not being able to choose which one you visit. Enforced multiculturalism will combine with the collapse of your silly religion to give us all the shamanist witch doctors we will ever need. And if you dare to complain about life in the New Soviet Collectivist People's Democratic Republic of Hillary Clinton, Zog & Magog, we’re going to write you a sternly worded letter on acid free, biodegradable paper. If that doesn't work, we will frivilously sue your Red State ass.

All of that: so stipulated. Now, the question for you wingnut Right wing radio-talk show hosts and FOX News correspondents: What the hell are you going to do about it?

I mean, seriously; if you truly believe that all this is now in the process of happening right before your very eyes, doesn’t it become incumbent upon you, as the most basic imaginable of moral obligations, to do something to prevent it, or overturn it? I mean, obviously, you tried peaceful means of stopping us, but that didn’t work—because us lefty moonbats rigged the mainstream media and college campuses, not to mention our Super Secret control of all three branches of government through our in the closet liberals but elected as conservative Republican cronies, or finally our single minded liberal bureaucracy (that the President can't do a thang about) that continues to screw up the criminal justice, intelligence, immigration, tax, welfare and national defense mechanisms at the same time. And you can’t go to the courts because they’re all into Judicial Activism, all the way up to the Supreme Court. So your last legal, nonviolent means of resistance has been taken away from you, and you can’t even count on the media to publicize the reality of what’s going on because of their liberal bias, their fondness for special interest agendas, and of course the fact that they’re really nothing but money-grubbing corporations themselves whose only concern is the bottom line so they can pay for all those latte sipping elitists and limosine liberals like the Kennedys.

So what’s left, Righty Tighties? Where do you go from here? What are you gonna do about it?

Oh, yeah, you're going to keep hoping to ride your own whiny blame train, so that middle 10% of voters in the middle who gave you the President's office, the Congress and the Senate (and therefore the Supreme Court and the government bureaucracy) don't realize y'all sound just like the craziest of the crazies on the left. You're going to keep hoping that Michael Moore keeps making movies, that Cynthia McKinney keeps hitting cops, that the Kennedys' keep drinking and Cindy Sheehan stays in the news.

That way, you can keep the above narrative going and keep winning elections on the no-plan platform of "Vote for us, We aren't Democrats." Go y'all. You really real conservatives in the audience must be so proud.

When the narrative does break down, though, and people come back to the 'reality' that for every granola eating hippie activist who hates all the corporate things America stands for, there is a snake handling Jesus freak activist who hates all the social freedoms America stands for. Both of those people are the enemy, because it is they, not real liberals, not real conservatives, who want me to put down my red meat & bourbon, stop watching football & listening to kick ass rock music, and spend my tax dollars on some project that only interests them.

12 comments:

Dante said...

"could perhaps use a few Democrats from the 'Party Wing' to show up"

That would be a good idea if most of them haven't already felt so alienated by the Democratic Party that they went from merely apathetic to voting Republican back in '02 and '04. I'm not saying that they're gung ho Republican right now but you're going to have to pull them back from voting Republican to apathetic and then to voting Democrat. Good luck with that.

Now here's a funny story that goes along with those sentiments:

Back in 2002 just after the elections, I was at an Ole Miss game at Sanford Stadium. The game was pretty much over. Georgia was in the middle of what would end up being a 12 minute drive that put away the game. The SEC officiating got a bit lazy and neglected to call Ole Miss for mugging Georgia receivers among other infractions. What does this have to do with politics, you ask? The guy behind me was getting madder and madder at the officials and eventually started yelling, "You're just mad because we voted Republican!" His girlfriend kept telling him to "Hush" and eventually he told her, "Well we did! Dad even voted Republican."

If you want the "Party Wing" to show up, you're going to have to talk them into coming back to party in the first place. At least the Republicans are helping you out when they can by not exactly being the conservatives they used to be.

Dante said...

Oh and that's a terrible madlib. I don't see the words "boobs" or "diarrhea" anywhere.

Fishplate said...

Of course. The Extremists are, after all, eponymous. But normal folks like us - the 90% of America that isn't clincally insane - don't make good TV. But I would guess that somewhere between 75% and 90% of Americans are more or less comitted to one party or the other. And so, like Coke vs. Pepsi, they aren't fighting for the 90% who are comitted - they need to get their market share from the center, and will do what they can to grab our attention.

Remember, kids, rationality has no place in politics.

Fishplate said...

The guy behind me was getting madder and madder at the officials and eventually started yelling, "You're just mad because we voted Republican!" His girlfriend kept telling him to "Hush" and eventually he told her, "Well we did! Dad even voted Republican."

My Dad is 80 years old, and a lifelong Republican. In 2004, he voted for Ralph Nader.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

dadvocate said...

Taking jabs at snake handlers, huh, I'm offended. :-) (The smiley face is for anyone who doesn't know I'm joking.)

S.A.W.B. said...

Just a couple comments...

"as you wait in line to be thrown into the giant solar and wind powered meat grinders."

Oh good, then there's no worry of them working...

"The liberal mainstream media has known all along, and have been helping us cover it all up and help sow the seeds of irrationality and moral decay,"

At least you threw some truth in there...

"You're going to keep hoping that Michael Moore keeps making movies, that Cynthia McKinney keeps hitting cops, that the Kennedys' keep drinking and Cindy Sheehan stays in the news."

This is like hoping the sun keeps coming up in the East...A Kennedy stop drinking? That's unpossible!!!

Satire of satire aside, Lemme know when you guys come up with an electoral plan that doesn't consist of the words 'Republicans' and 'stupid'...

VDOPM said...

You forgot a few words, SAWB:

"Jesus", "jesusland", "whackjob". "wingnut", "right-wing", "tax increase" (or it's neoconservative* twin "spending increase"), "Bush", "Halliburton", "culture of corruption" or "fundamentalist christian". Said platform should also not include the names "Kerry", "Gore" or "Clinton".

* - to be confused with/AKA 1960s, 1970s "liberal".

patsbrother said...

fishplate, I believe you mean "ubiquitous", not "eponymous".

And Pat: bravo on Tighty Righties. Kudos. But I do think you need to meet a friend of mine: his name is The Hyphen. You may wish to keep him in mind when you write.

dangerblond said...

Very funny, Patrick. See you at the next Satanist meeting. Don't forget to pick up the human sacrifice.

Patrick Armstrong said...

Dangerblond: don't worry, if I forget the sacrifice, Mr. Hyphen will not be pleased, and I will never hear the end of it.

Patrick Armstrong said...

I just clicked the link DADvocate provided. I was expecting something completely different.

Talk about fighting satire with satire. I think that might be game, set, match for this one.

petallic said...

Geez, Patrick, you left out the Dixie Chicks. They will be our empresses in glory.

Oh, Natalie, how do I love thee...