This weekend was one badass experience from top to bottom. As my good friend Andy put it "it was like going through St. Patty's Day, Mardis Gras, and the UGA-Auburn game back-to-back-to-back". Anyway, here is a list of family I'd like to thank for making April 10th-April 12th an oxymoronicly(is that a word?) hazy yet unforgettable experience.
Thank you to Jessica and Andy for mercilessly ripping Patrick for good reason and giving an asshole a couch to crash on.
Thank you Patrick for asking "AM I WEARING A PINK SHIRT?! AM I WEARING A PINK SHIRT??!!" when he's already late to his best friend's wedding and rendering myself usless, leaving me in a pile of laughter for the next 45 minutes.
Thank you Jacob and Becky for getting fucking married in the first place and giving many friends an excuse to drink too much and gather for another slammin' weekend in A-town. Double time to Becky just because we have the same birthday next week.
Thank you Hannah for showing me the healing powers of fried chicken when you drink 30 beers and 1 sip of whiskey the night before.
Thank you Ruby, for that 1 sip of whiskey that proved to me that I NEED to go to bed and that NOONE needs whiskey at 4:30 in the morning.(sorry for spilling a whole glass minus 1 sip on your hotel room floor.
The smell must've made you sober)
Thank you John and Patrick for proving to me that, yes, you can win at golf even when shooting a 115.
Thank you Lizzie for straight up laughing at me when I admitted I was hitting on you.
(thank god you don't drink, otherwise my sizable bar tab probably would've doubled)
Thank you Corwin for playing "Paradise City" and completely ruining any shot at the single women in Tastyworld.
(I've GOT to learn a musical instrument)
Thank you bartenders at Tastyworld for either taking pity on my plight or siding with a huge tipper when I drunkingly requested 4 rolling rocks after last call and not only serving them but then sayin: "I got these dude"
Thank you Married Chick who 15 seconds after receiving 4 Rocks heard the line: "Do you wanna fuck or a Rolling Rock?" She laughed and I drank 3 Rolling Rocks.
Thank you Dante for throwing up on the side of the road on the way home on Friday, because on a weekend like this, someone HAD to do it.
Thank you Kevin for wearing floods during the driest year in Georgia history.
Thank you Michael and Kelly for giggling when I got systematically shot down by the bartender, the doorgirl, and every 19 year old that resisted my Keystone Light charms in the streets of Athens.
Thank you Sarah Harper(is that your last name?) for guffawing when I said "I'm sorry we couldn't sleep together" at the Wenska breakfast.
Thank you Mike and Tina for proving to me that time travelling is sort of fun.
Thank you MAGS for having huge breasts, and tell Todd 'way to go'.
Thank you Ty Manning for writing "Piss Drunk". That song touched me in ways that, actually, you completely understand.
Thanks to everyone who owns a building and saw me on Friday. If I walked over your threshold, I biblically shredded your toilet while losing about 3 inches of small intestine. Double time to Andy and Jessica who were dealing with both me and Patrick who were stuck in a home-run hitting contest in their bathroom. (I hope the wallpaper stops peeling.)
Thank you every single nameless girl I saw on Saturday for proving to me that wearing a pink shirt is just too much handicap for this hound dog to overcome, even with my superior wit and Keystone Light Tall Boys fueling the eloquent shit that was flying out my mouth. Cheers.
That is all I've got. If there is anyone I have left out, may I buy you a beer next time I see you. And to Jake and the Beckster, my last wish is that your marriage be at least half as fun as your wedding was.