Saturday, January 20, 2018

The Brunch Scene

A Democratic representative and  Republican representative who have known each other for years meet for brunch one day...

Dem: "Let's order some eggs for breakfast."

GOP: "I'm not ordering food until you get folks at the next table to eat some Tide Pods. Those things look delicious."

Dem: "No way. Tide Pods aren't food."

GOP: "Well I guess you don't really want eggs, then."


Dem: "You said to get eggs, we'd have to make the folks at that table eat Tide Pods." (points)

Folks at the Next Table: "We don't want to eat Tide Pods, that's dangerous!"

GOP: "But they look delicious!"

Dem: "Tide Pods may look delicious, but they're really laundry detergent. You can't eat them, you use them to wash clothes."

GOP: "Why can't we do both? You're taking away Real Americans' God-given freedom to eat Tide Pods!"

Dem (incredulous) "What?"


Dem (aside, exasperated): "This happens EVERY time we try to hang out."

Guy in MAGA Hat from Another Table: "One of my friends back home ate a Tide Pod once and he was fine. Said it was way better than bath salts."

(A NYT reporter suddenly appears and asks to interview Guy in MAGA Hat.)

Dem (loudly, to room): "OK folks I've looked up the list of ingredients in Tide Pods."

(Dem reads long list of complicated sounding ingredients in monotone voice. Adds emphasis to a word no one has ever heard of.)


(Dem finished reading list of Tide Pod ingredients.)

Dem: "And that's why you shouldn't eat Tide Pods." (Sits)

Guy in MAGA Hat (to GOP and NYT reporter): "Is she still talking?"

GOP: "Too focused on ingredient politics."

NYT reporter (writes) ::Tide Pods divide hurts Dems in Heartland::

Dem: "OK maybe we can work across the aisle and come up with a bipartisan solution. How about we compromise an a la carte Tide Pod with every order of eggs?"

GOP: "Nope. The Folks at That Table have to eat the Tide Pods, or we're not getting any eggs for brunch."

Dem: "The Folks at the Next Table don't want to eat Tide Pods for brunch! But maybe they'd agree to Tide Pods on their plate."

Folks at the Next Table: "No, actually we don't want Tide Pods anywhere near our food, thanks." 

Dem: "Sorry. The American people want bipartisan solutions."

GOP: "Well, actually, the American People want the Folks at the Next Table to eat some Tide Pods, and they want Democrats like you to stop obstructing the rest of us from eating eggs."

Guy in MAGA Hat: "Yeah!"

 NYT reporter (writes) ::Are Dem Policies Creating Egg Shortage?::

-Scene zooms out to restaurant kitchen-

Server Working the F***ing Brunch Shift: "They. Are. Arguing. About. Eating. F***ing. Tide. Pods."

Line Cook Working the F***"ing Brunch Shift: "Those are the same ass****s who couldn't tell the difference between a s***hole & a s***house last week?"